Fuck being happy. It’s 8:22pm on a Wednesday evening and I am accompanied by a chorus of birds, chirping frogs and the sound of crickets serenading the emerging stars. I am engrossed in a vortex of art and eccentricity. I feel tears roll down my cheek as I stare down a dark tunnel I have psychologically conceived lined with scenes from my life playing in a loop as I am nestled on the edge of a wooden bed in a charming pink cabin and hidden little gem I am renting in Topanga Canyon. I have spent an enormous amount of my 20’s in solitude calculating possibilities and entertaining the notion that reaching the point of nearly vanishing and fiercely guarding my solitude is the most pivotal aspect toward creating a rewarding life. I acknowledge that whether it is a chemical imbalance or a rocky adolescence, I am an individual and extremist whose brain is wired incredibly differently and far removed from the ordinary.
Speaking of extremities, enough is enough. I have been hearing it every single day for months now…..
“I wish I was living your life.”
“You get to do so many cool things.”
“You are so lucky to always be traveling.” – Fact: Lucky is not a word in my vocabulary.
“You get to meet so many celebrities.”
“I am so jealous.”
Fantastic, ain’t it? Real talk, I am steering my way in the driver’s seat of my life. I can give a rat’s ass whom I meet and I guarantee that they can give a rat’s ass that they met me. I am a woman/machine who has put in the work and have chosen to place myself and I in the position that I am in, and I am nowhere near satisfied. As an artist, I will never be satisfied. What about life when the curtain falls and there is no more applause? What about the time in which all of the superficial bullshit is stripped away and I am left in the dark? Every single human being embellishes their lives on social media, including myself. Don’t even (tosses in the waving hand emoji) attempt to claim elsewhere.
I have had it with the maddening bulldoze toward some fairytale notion that happiness is the be all and end all. I am no longer seeking happiness in life. This life journey is so incredibly fluid. For crying out loud, I am not seeking a damn thing in any aspect of my life. I perceive that there is a sense of fear and danger coalesced with seeking, which unwittingly concoct’s a nasty cocktail of bitter disappointment and frustration on top of a good measure of plotting whatever else human beings should also be feeling rather than simply being alive and present. My life has never been and never will be a curated collection of happy moments. Are you curious of what I want to be in life and what I am right now? Welp, for starters, I don’t give a fuck if you are curious or not, but, I am alive. Right now, I am alive. I am alive within the rollercoaster of up and down feelings and emotions that I allow to eat away every ounce of positivity within me and may later internally beat myself the fuck up to recover and rebuild. I am alive within the million little pieces that add up to create a lifetime. I am alive within the millions of emotions that do not define my existence. I am alive within the limitless love in my heart for myself and the human beings that I choose to share my life with. I am alive within the spirit breaking, tear-jerking torment. I am not afraid to internally clinch a fistful of barbwire. I am alive within the high’s and the low’s whether I am surrounded by friend’s or foes. The pain is no longer screaming inside of me and eating away my liver begging to be let out; I allow the pain to be the pain. My bullshit detector is quite accurate and I have zero tolerance for disingenuous individuals. I curse like a sailor on a daily basis and wave my middle finger in the air like I just don’t care. Catastrophic falls from grace slap me in the face with anything but the picture perfect portrait of what it is I must endure to remain intentional about moving forward. I sit in the dark, seemingly dead inside, with the pain. I stand tall when the ground beneath is parched dry and stemming off loose foundations that time has weathered. Excruciating as it may be, I inextricably learn and cultivate internally from these experiences. Every human being fucks up; it’s how each human being chooses to handle and face the aftermath that matters. And I understand that I am a rotten, spoiled and privileged human being preaching to the choir about living a life that human beings would bend over backwards to live; spare me.
It is liberating that I have made peace with the fact that I am human and will encounter a fluctuation of emotions on an everyday basis. Do whatever the fuck you want, but this is certainly not to say that I recommend wandering through life with an apathetic mindset and negative attitude; shift out of fear and into love. Quit holding back and make a firm choice to stop caring about what any human being thinks about the way you choose to express yourself in the present moment. Life ain’t about pleasing others; it’s about pleasing yourself. What in the fucking world would I internally derive from perpetual lightness anyways?
I am in awe of the amount of strength I have acquired to choose to allow myself to simply be. Yes, I am storming down the road less travelled, but I have learned that the beaten path is not and never will be for me. This is far from emotional detachment; experience has simply taught me to build up an inexhaustible supply of elephantine strength and fortitude in the face of adversity. I am not happy. I repeat, I am not happy……